Feeling lost..

I don't know what happen to me..

It's like when i was young, every night i sleep, my tears started to roll down my eyes.. May b for some reasons or no reasons.. It started to happen again, a few weeks ago.. Almost every night that i lay in my bed and prepare to sleep, tears roll down my eyes.. Am i crying? Sometimes, i really don't know.

For the few months, i am doing relief while waiting for my new job training to start. The school term is coming to end now, i will be jobless very soon. And the training is further delayed to an open date where initially it should start around this period. My parents asked me: "Is it worth the wait?" I really don't know.

At first thought, it was great to have a perm job secured. But now, it doesn't look so good as i am not being paid while waiting for the training to start. Plus, my bf and mum had voiced out that they are not very willing to let me work there. Thus, i am now asking myself, "Is it really worth the wait?", rejecting other job offers and waited for this job to commence.

Sometimes, i wonder if i had made the right decision.. Like in econs, the opportunity cost is always there.. Am i loosing too much in terms of time and money for this?

And also, sometimes i feel that i am insensitive to people around me, especially towards my boyfriend. Deep down, i know exactly what he is able to give and what he can't.. Probably better than anyone and even himself.. But i still compliant and ask for the impossible.. And always after asking those questions, i regret what i had said to him..

"Why do i have to do that?", I asked myself. "Why am i so mean?" "What do really want from him?" "Am i a good gf?" "Why didn't i spare a thought for him in the first place?" So Many WHY!!

Sometimes, i hate myself doing all these things and making all these decisions. I really don't know what i want! This is so irritating!! Arggghhhh...

I need to sort things out quickly or i have a feeling that i will go into depression soon.. ha~ Or will i?